Total Honesty

Last week, for what might have been the first time ever, I was completely honest with someone when they asked me "how are you doing?" The past couple of weeks have been the hardest weeks of my life, and when asked this question I couldn't hide behind a fake smile, I simply responded "Okay." Truth is, I'm not even sure I'm "Okay." I feel like my world is falling apart and I may just lay down and crumble right along with it.

A little over three weeks ago, on Monday, September 29th, my grandma, Mamaw as we like to call her, checked into the hospital for a triple bypass. The surgery went well and throughout that week she was recovering nicely. That Friday, she started to have trouble breathing and after having a CAT scan, the doctors found that they left a sponge behind during the bypass. The sponge was irritating her lung and causing it to fill with fluid as well as causing her diaphragm to be elevated. They had to do emergency surgery that night to remove the sponge and then drain her lung. I was at the hospital when they took her back for surgery and Mamaw was so scared. She didn't think things "looked good." We were all there to reassure her that this was a simple procedure, but we were all scared too. Mamaw has never done well with anesthesia and was finally coming out of the fog from Monday. Not to mention, she had just had a major major surgery and was having to go back under very quickly after. I'm not really sure of all the details, but when they went to put Mamaw under on Friday night, her heart slowed down enough to where they had to administer CPR to get her breathing and her heart beating normal again. It only took a minute or two, but for an 80 year old, this can still be significant. They proceeded with the surgery afterwards.

On Saturday morning when they took her off all sedation, she would not wake up. We waited and waited all day for her to wake up and although she barely lifted her eyelids, she would not come to. It seemed to us she was just taking a while to come off of all the medication. Then, she started having facial tremors. It seemed her brain was irritated and the tremors would increase as she was stimulated. This was concerning the doctors. On Sunday we were all prepared for the worse. A neurologist came in and did an EEG and found there to be brain activity and no sign of swelling or significant trauma. We were beyond relieved and filled with hope again. They sedated her again, allowing her brain to "rest," with plans to take her off sedation after 24-48 hours. On Tuesday morning she was taken off sedation and we hoped that she would soon wake up. Again, we waited and waited. Come Wednesday, we were told that things were not looking good. We were devastated. This was not supposed to happen. The doctors worried more with each day that passed that she did not wake up.

We continued to wait and as Mamaw seemed to show little signs of progress everyday, we continued to hope. She might move her toes one day, then finally respond to pain in her hands, then move her arm and begin to open her eyes. Here we are, three weeks after her second surgery and we continue to wait.

Today, the doctors removed the ventilator. Mamaw is breathing on her own and she is opening her eyes more and more, but has yet to give a cognitive response. No one will ever be able to convince me that she cannot hear us when we are talking to her. I know she knows that we are in the room and talking to her, but she doesn't seem to be able to communicate back. So, we continue to wait.

I cannot stand the thought of not having my Mamaw around. She has been the hub of our family for so long. Almost all of our traditions revolve around her (and her cooking) and there is no one we want more at every event, every shower, every family function. I have missed talking to her from the moment she went into this self-induced coma. I have listened to her voicemails to hear her voice again and I yearn everyday to hear her sweet giggle. Mostly I think about my sweet Henley. Oh how I want her to meet Mamaw. I want Mamaw to hold her and to poke her nose like she does with every baby. Yes, I selfishly want Mamaw to meet by baby girl, but mostly I want my baby girl to meet Mamaw. I want her to know that Mamaw is one of the most special people that she would ever know. The thought of life going on without Mamaw just seems odd and wrong. How can she not be here? This wasn't supposed to happen.

Every time I look at Mamaw in her hospital bed I can only think "this is not right." How could we have gone up to her house the Saturday before her surgery and sat and talked with her and now she can't even communicate with us?

I know I am one of the lucky ones to have gotten to know my Mamaw and to have spent so much time with her. Mamaw taught us all to love so well. She loved us all something fierce and we loved her the same in return. She adored my Papaw and he still adores her. I will miss the days of hearing him call her "Madame." God broke the mold when he made Kitty Ruth Silk.

As we continue to wait, we continue to pray for a miracle, but are also resting in the fact that Mamaw knows the Lord and we have to trust him. If a miracle is not in his plan, we will hate it, but we will know that she is in a much better place. I can't say that I have a peace about her not being here, but I will trust my God. It would be so easy to praise him if Mamaw came back to us, but we will continue to praise him no matter what.

I love you Mamaw. I'm not sure I will ever adore or love someone the way I do you. You are the most amazing grandma. I will miss and think of you every single day. You will be the person I talk about for the rest of my life. You will be a part of the stories I tell my children. My heart will ache every single day for you, but I will look forward to seeing you again one day in heaven.

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail 

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand 

And I will call upon Your name 

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters 

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves 

When oceans rise 

My soul will rest in Your embrace 

For I am Yours and You are mine 

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders 

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me 

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander 

And my faith will be made stronger 

In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name 

Keep my eyes above the waves 

My soul will rest in Your embrace 

I am Yours and You are mine 

-Oceans by Hillsong United-

Windsor and Oxford

After our detour to Edgeware (aka the middle of nowhere) the day before, we woke up and headed straight to Picadilly Circus to hopefully be the first in line at Golden Tours. This is where we were told we could get a BritRail pass. Side note: When Ben was in Europe 6 years before, he had a first class BritRail pass, and him and his guy friends would just hop on most days and see where it took them. All of this was done through Baylor, so it was a bit shocking to find out that we couldn't just get one exactly like that (for 25 and younger backpackers), and that it was going to cost a bit more than we expected. Our early start paid off, and we were the first in line. The line started forming pretty quickly behind us. Apparently, Golden Tours is also where you get a London Pass which we heard was great for sightseeing. The BritRail pass was pretty pricey, but it was on our "must" list, so we bit the bullet and got it! It was back to Paddington Station for us to actually head to Windsor this time!! 

It was perfect timing! When we arrived in Windsor, everyone was lining the streets around the castle. Turns out it was for the changing of the guards. We got up right next to the castle gates as the guards came out playing a little tune. I was absolutely giddy!!

Just getting off the train and walking into the town, I felt like a little girl! This town is so so cute! I mean do you see those cute little buildings on the left?! They are everywhere! Windsor was exactly what I was hoping it would be! 

After the guards passed and the excitement settled down, they opened up the gates to Windsor Castle and we went in to buy our tour tickets. Ben and I both absolutely loved our tour experience. It's a "self-guided" tour with this little thing that you can punch a number into as you see them throughout the castle and it will tell you what you're looking at. I liked not being with a big group, but still getting lots of information. 

Welcome to Windsor Castle, where the Queen spends her weekends!! I don't think I would mind spending my weekends here! 

First stop - the gardens...oh the gardens!! Please Lord, can I please have a garden like this one day?! These gardens were absolutely incredible! The men working on the lawn actually had to tie themselves to a tree at the top of the hill and then repel down in order weed eat. Crazy! 

After standing in awe of the garden for a while, we headed around to the doll house exhibit and a mini museum. Unfortunately, we weren't able to take pictures, but both of the exhibits were awesome! The doll house was out of control HUGE. I never had a doll house, we mostly made barbie villages every Christmas, but it totally made me want to have one for our little girl one day. 

The rest of the castle tour was of the state rooms. Again, we could not take pictures, but it was so neat to see so many rooms in the castle. Maybe I am just not a history buff, but I had no idea that the king and queen had separate rooms. I thought this was so odd! Each of them had a meeting room, a dressing room, a bedroom, etc. Seemed like they kept things pretty darn separate! 

The tour took us a couple of hours and after we finished in the castle, we walked around a bit more outside and then to St. George's Chapel. 

St. George's Chapel was really neat. They actually open up the services to the public. The chapel seemed like it was very dedicated to the important people surrounding the castle. Kings, queens and many other important people are buried in the chapel. It got Ben and I talking about who is being worshipped in the chapel. It was just something to think about...

Our tummies were rumbling and we were starting to get a bit hangry once we left the chapel. We turned in our little devices and started walking around the cobblestone streets and alleys to see if anything sounded good. We stopped at a little place called Casavilla where we could eat outside. It was good, but nothing spectacular. I had a chicken caesar salad and Ben had a pizza. Once we finished up with lunch, we thought about wandering around some more, but decided that we still had half a day and could get to Oxford and explore! 

We hopped back on the BritRail and headed to Oxford, both of us taking a bit of a catnap on the way. Once we got off the train, we asked a few people how to get to the Eagle and Child, the pub where J.R.R Tolkien and CS Lewis used to hang out. They pointed us in the right direction, but we took the scenic route and walked all around. 

We saw Christ's Church and walked around the grounds for a little while. There were tons of students roaming around, and the grounds were gorgeous! I think there was some sort of initiation thing going on that night because there were many students that looked like they had been in a crud war and were carrying champagne. It looked like a blast! 

Oxford just had a really neat feel. It's a college town and that is exactly what it felt like. There were students (young people) everywhere. The streets were packed with people walking around or riding around on their bikes. It would be such a neat place to spend some time in college! 

We continued to walk around and head to the Eagle and Child. We saw some other really gorgeous buildings and with our feet about to fall off, we finally made it to the pub! 

There weren't many tables open, but I snagged us one that needed to be cleaned off and crashed while Ben ordered drinks - a beer for him and a much needed diet coke for me. We both decided that we could eat, but weren't super hungry, so we split the pulled pork nachos. They were delicious and definitely hit the spot! I think we enjoyed the company surrounding us even more though! We were flanked by students (a little bit older) getting their masters or PHD, etc. Their discussions were very interesting and totally different than the conversations Ben and I generally have. We had a great time sitting there, people watching, and having discussions of our own. 

Funny story - when we walked out, I asked a lady to take this picture and she seemed to be ignoring me and walking off. She finally turned back around and said, "Oh sorry, I thought you were someone asking for money!" 

After dinner we headed back (the short way) to the train station and made our way back to Paddington Station in London. Our feet were tired and so were we! Our day in Windsor and Oxford was one of my very favorite days! Both Ben and I had a blast and loved all of the sites! 

Fitness at 22 Weeks Pregnant

I have received a lot of questions about my workout routine while being pregnant. Most people know that I was a runner + gym rat pre-pregnancy, and have wondered how, or if I have changed things now that I am growing a human (weird!). The answer is both yes and no. Yes, the intensity of my workouts have changed, but no, I have not stopped working out.

Before I found out I was pregnant, I was doing some pretty high intensity workouts. For example, a lot of interval running with sprints and weight exercises mixed in. I was also trying some new things like bleacher workouts (in the heat). I absolutely loved the way these workouts challenged me and made me feel, but I was not comfortable continuing them after I saw that "Pregnant 3+" on the stick!

I'll be honest, I have struggled in the past with body image. Typical stuff like just being concerned with every little thing I eat and feeling guilty on the days I don't go to the gym. I was surprised at how quickly a switch in my brain flipped and all of a sudden it just wasn't worth it. I couldn't justify a tough workout when I didn't know whether or not I was putting the baby at risk. There were a few times in classes when I hated having to modify some moves, but I kept telling myself "my baby is worth it, my body image is not."

This was all before I really even got to go to the doctor. I mentioned it before, but we did not go to the doctor until I was almost 11 weeks along. We thought I was only about 7 or 8 weeks, but calculations were off, so I was almost through the first trimester before I finally got to talk to her about my workout routine. She told me not to get my heart rate up too high and that a great way to judge it was by making sure I could talk while I was working out. She also simply stated, "listen to your body."

I have tried my best to do just that, listen to my body. While we were in Europe, this was pretty easy! We walked and walked and walked, and I didn't ever feel the need for a workout (good thing since I didn't bring any workout clothes). Since we've been back, I have continued to workout between 5 and 6 days a week, but my workouts look a little different. I now schedule my trips to the gym around the class schedule and the class instructors. A typical week for me looks like this:

Monday - afternoon body works 

Tuesday - morning boot camp 

Wednesday - morning body works 

Thursday - morning or afternoon body works 

Friday - morning body works 

Saturday - outdoor run 

Sunday - OFF 

Each of the classes above is either preceded or followed by about 30+ steady minutes on the elliptical. This may seem monotonous to some, but I have really enjoyed this routine! Each of these classes pushes me in a different way (they are not all taught by the same person), and each day is perfect for the one it follows. For example, Tuesdays are pretty hard days. Boot camp kicks my booty, but the Wednesday body works class is generally more low key than the others, so it gives me a little break.

I also participated in a Wednesday night 5K run a few times here in Denton. I absolutely loved it, but our schedule hasn't allowed us to go the past couple of weeks. In terms of running, things are much different. Before we left for Europe I was still easily able to run 4+ miles at a slightly slower pace, but nothing too different than before. I even ran a good 6 miles one morning and felt great! The first time I realized that my pace had definitely slowed was when I thought I allowed myself plenty of time to get ready for breakfast with friends on the 4th of July, but when I returned from my run I only had about 10 minutes to shower and get ready...whoops! On Wednesday nights I have been able to run the entire 3.1 miles at a slower pace, but the past two Saturdays that I have gone out to run have turned into more of a walk/run. If I start to feel crampy at all, I take it to a walk. Also, can we talk about the urge to pee?!?! The moment I start to run I feel like I have to pee, but the moment I start walking it's all good again. So weird!!

I'm not sure how my fitness routine will go once school starts back up next week. I am really going to miss going to all of my classes. I may be able to make the 5:45 AM body works classes on Tuesday and Thursday, but I think that will probably be it. Due to the volleyball schedule (practice and games), I can't really make any classes after school. I will probably start planning out a weight routine for myself each week plus cardio. We'll see though, I'll keep you updated!

This is at 22 weeks on Sunday!

More London

When Ben was in London 6 years ago, he saw Phantom of the Opera and he absolutely loved it. One of our "musts" was to see a show, specifically Phantom again because Ben loved seeing it in London and the atmosphere of the theater. One of my very favorite things about New York is the shows, so I was beyond thrilled to know that Ben wanted to go to one too! Since we wanted to pack the front end of our trip with the "musts," our goal for they day was to find tickets.

First, we walked right down the street from our hotel to a little restaurant called Ruffles. We had seen signs in the window for pretty cheap breakfasts and thought we'd give it a try. It was an adorable little place with mostly locals enjoying breakfast with us. Ben got a delicious bacon, egg and cheese sandwich, while I just went with scrambled eggs and toast. Then, it was off to Leicester Square for tickets. After our trips to Picadilly Circus I researched places for discount tickets and found "TKTS."

There was a bit of a line, but nothing too bad. While Ben stood in line, I looked at the board posted with show names and prices. We thought about a couple of other shows, but Phantom was definitely what we wanted and we got tickets for just 35 pounds each. Not bad at all! 

Our plan for the rest of the day was to go to Windsor....long story short, I didn't exactly research it enough and we ended up on the tube for about an hour to a place that apparently had nothing. According to the tube workers there was "nothing fancy" in Edgeware (literally the last tube stop we could have possibly gone to). The silver lining was that the tube workers were super friendly and we finally figured out where to go to get a BritRail pass. Everyone else that we had talked to about it before kept telling us all sorts of different places. 

We felt a bit lost for the rest of the day without a plan. We headed back to Covent Garden to walk around the shops and ended up watching a man put on a show in the center of the square. He was pretty funny, and ended up asking Ben, "the man with the viking beard" to help him get on his unicycle. The moment he started looking around for helpers, I knew he'd ask Ben. He's a pretty easy guy to pick out of a crowd considering he stands above everyone else! 

How do they do this?!

You can see in the last picture that there were lots of little kids at the show too. I think this group right in front of us was a group of school kids and it was hilarious to hear their reactions. The show was funny but also a little inappropriate and they kept looking back at their teachers to see what to do! 

Our next stop was a bookstore to make a plan for the rest of the day. Mostly Ben worked on a plan while I looked at the children's books. We found one called My Mummy that we got for sweet baby Clark. Then, we headed over to the National Museum. On our walk, we were literally able to walk however we wanted all over the streets because traffic was so backed up. People were completely stopped and standing outside their cars talking. It was crazy! 

Looking at the art in the National Museum was super interesting to us. It was just so crazy to see how old some of the art was. We walked around most of the museum and then sat on the steps to rest for a little bit. When we walked back out, the traffic was still the same, but we couldn't figure out why. After sitting there for just a little while, Ben looked over at me and said, "I think you need to take a nap." Apparently I looked like I was fading fast! 

After a good nap and some research for restaurants, Ben and I headed back to Picadilly Circus for dinner and the show. We were both so excited! We chose Nonna's Kitchen for dinner and it was awesome! The atmosphere was adorable, the service was great and the food was delicious! 

Ben and I split some bruschetta and a pizza + I got my first diet coke of the trip while Ben had a glass of wine! Ah! It was so amazing! I would totally have gone back to this restaurant. There was just something about it that I adored!

We double-checked how late the restaurant stayed open before deciding on dessert. Thankfully it was open until 11, so we headed to the show with full stomachs and decided to wait until after to walk back over. 

I was so excited to see the show, but I think I was even more excited to be back there with Ben. His time in London 6 years before was a super special time in our relationship. We weren't necessarily dating yet, but were absolutely smitten and would write letters and emails back and forth. Ben even bought a pink flip phone so he could call every now and then. I loved hearing about all the things he did and the places he saw and was elated to be back with him. It just seemed so special to be doing something that he enjoyed so much while he was there! 

We absolutely loved the show! It's a really neat show to see in Europe where it actually took place. I've always loved the songs and the singing was incredible! After the show we headed back to Nonna's for some gelato and then walked to the center of Picadilly Circus to watch another group of performers. The gelato was amazing and again, I can't say enough about the people at Nonna's. They were so sweet! 

Even though our plans for the whole day didn't go exactly to plan, we had such a fun day! 

Day Two in London

After crashing hard the night before, we enjoyed sleeping in and getting ready at a leisurely pace. Once we were ready to go, we walked to the tube station and headed to Somerset House. I had never even heard of Somerset House, but Ben remembered it from being there six years ago and said it was beautiful. It did not disappoint. Of course, we got out our camera and were so excited to start snapping pictures, but it kept telling us that we had no memory card. There was clearly a camera card in the camera and we checked everything to make sure it wasn't locked, etc. We were super frustrated, but hoped to stop by a camera store or something later, so the day's pictures are taken with my phone camera.

Today was one of my favorite days in London, because we just walked and walked and walked. When we walked out of Somerset House, we went through Victoria Gardens. There were so many people enjoying the beautiful day. They were eating their lunches on the grass and just laying down soaking up the sun. I was super jealous of their lunch breaks! We then walked along the Thames River for a little bit taking in the sites before we started heading to Borough Market. 

It was a bit of a walk to the market...I think Ben wanted to hurt me! I love love love walking and taking in the city, where Ben enjoys walking around when we get to a site, but would prefer to get there by bike or train. I would say it was about a mile and a half to the market. It was actually pretty neat because we walked through areas that were not touristy. We got to see lots of flats/houses (how do you know which is which?), work places and even little shops and cafes that were tucked away. 

By the time we got there, we were famished, so we immediately started looking at all of the carts and shops set-up with food. This was on a Tuesday, so all of them weren't set-up like they would be on a Saturday, but there was still a very impressive selection of food. I was super excited to be adventurous and just try something new! We ended up at the individual carts and Ben settled on Ethiopian food while I got a Falafel wrap. We both enjoyed trying something new while we sat in the middle of the market and listened to a musician play. 

While we were walking around earlier, we saw some incredible dessert carts. One had ginormous chocolate chip cookies...like out of control HUGE! If you know Ben at all, you know this was a must try. We had plans to meet one of my friends from college around 2, so we grabbed a cookie and relaxed on the Borough Market benches in the sun. 

An amazing dessert cart. Their baklava was out of this world! 

After our glorious cookie, we walked to the London Bridge just around the corner to meet my friend, Jena. Ok, can we talk about the London Bridge? Apparently most people think that the London Bridge is really the Tower Bridge, but we were on the for real London Bridge and I was totally unimpressed. There is a great view of the Tower Bridge, but it is literally just like a highway bridge here in the states. Ben thought it was pretty funny that I didn't believe him that we were on the London Bridge at all! 

Once we met up with Jena, we went on a fun walking tour of London. She works for a company as a tour guide and just so happened to be starting a tour the same day we started our tour, but she came over early to enjoy the city for a bit. It was so great to see her and get some suggestions on what to see and where to go! We walked across the Millennium Bridge which is apparently a big part of Harry Potter, and went by the the Globe Theater and St. Paul's Cathedral.  I absolutely love the history here! 

After walking by a ton of fun, beautiful sites, we hopped on the tube (in rush hour) to Picadilly Circus. I was for real sandwiched in between so many people. Ben thought it was hilarious, but unfortunately he was too squished to take a picture. We continued a walking tour of Picadilly Circus to Covent Garden. I adored Covent Garden! It was such a cute little part of the city with lots of restaurants, shopping stores, little shops, an outdoor market and outdoor entertainment. I made a mental note to make it back there before we left. We felt like we had walked at least 6 miles for the day, so we were getting a bit hungry and decided to head to a pub for some fish and chips. 

On our way, we passed by a cute little cookie shop called "Ben's Cookies" and had to stop! Apparently it was the day of the cookie! Ben got a chocolate chip (surprise surprise) and I got a peanut butter for an after dinner treat. 

Jena took us to a pub called Marquess and it was delicious! I got the renne pasta because I wasn't sure about fish and chips yet, but I tried Ben's dinner and it was incredible! The fish was so fresh! I am also a fan of the mashed peas...should I admit that?!?! We felt like total partiers because we didn't start heading back to our hotel until almost ten o'clock! 

Day 2 was such a good day in the city, and we went to bed exhausted again!